Gertsamtkunstwerk

The Eurythmics

2140 hours:

I have never been able to make my mind up about the Eurythmics. They were very big in the mid 80s. I think my problem was that I tended to like their songs, then they would just get so much air-play - remember I had pop radio on constantly - that their latest single used to end up driving me mad. I have never ever bought anything by them. I have their Greatest Hits, but I taped it off my sister.

When I begin playing it, the sweet melody of Love is a Stranger starts up, yet another of the very poppy pop albums I have played today (and the classical ones have all been light airy and soary). Yet I suspect in little over an hour, I will be suffering Eurythmics fatigue.

2150 Right By Your Side - classy pop. I love fusion of pop and subtle calypso. Oh this is good. But without recourse to reference source, I can't quite recall when it was out.

Then there are songs where I listen and the left side of my brain says - good song; the right says, bored already. Here Comes the Rain; There Must Be An Angel

2202: I ought to like Sisters are Doin' It For Themselves. But I don't...

2212: When Tomorrow Comes is much better than I remember it.

2220: Miracle of Love - reminds me of Christmas in 1st Year of Uni

2230: Oh I do like Thorn In My Side...Runrunrunrunrunrun

2245 I don't like Would I Lie To You

2255: I assume this compilation is chronological - it's quite interesting to see how the songs went from light and chirpy at the start to dark and stormy at the end

You know, if I could be arsed, I should really do a distilled selection of the very best of the greatest hits (of various artists). But I can't be arsed. Except for this silly project, I would just fast-forward, anyway...

E is for crap

I have a tape of 808 State's ex:el. I taped it off my brother. It's not very good. A load of Ambient Dross. Big at the beginning of the 90s. I think one needed drugs to appreciate it. Although I doubt that the then future Doctor Matt was into drugs, even in Madchester, even in the early 90s.

And then there's Gloria Estefan. I cannot remember and do not know what evil demon possessed me and took me down to the record shop to buy this. There are one or two pleasant chords in 'Can't Stay Away From You', but otherwise, it is the most unmitigated dross in the entire record collection. It wouldn't be so bad if it was bland, but it contains so much quasi-Cuban stuff. Yes, I know that Gloria Estefan is Cuban, but this is Cuban-meets-Floridan MOR. And, it sucks.

Anything For You might be just about tolerable in the voice of a half-decent singer. But, I remind you, this is Gloria Estefan...

Bad Gert, bad waste of money.

Football albums

Every good household should have one compilation of footy related songs. But what kind of fool has three..? I know one was a pressie. the other two must have been bought by The Crap Album buyer who inhabits part of my body...

I have to say footy songs fall into different categories.

• Songs by or about one's club country, for which one has a liking regardless of the objective musical qualities - Red Tribe, anyone (not good, but it's Uni'ed, innit?); Ooh Aah Cantona; World in Motion
• songs about hated clubs that, regardless of their musical quality, have a certain charm - Blue is the Colour (football is the game, winning is our aim); Ossie's Dream (yes, I know, it's Chas 'n' Dave, but I do like it) 'in the cup for Tottingham'; Nice One Cyril
• songs that have no merit whatsoever - We're Off to Wembley Cos We Beat the Arsenal (Chas & Dave); Diamond Lights
• Evocative tunes - Grandstand Theme, anyone? And doesn't Sportsnight sound like Parky? I mean old Parky, when he was good, when he was on the Beeb, before he sold out to ITV and went rubbish?
• Songs that were not originally about football and have at least a sort of greatness about them - You'll Never Walk Again; All Together Now; Ode to Joy; Always Look On the Bright Side of Life (how many chart toppers contain the phrase 'just before you draw your terminal breath'?); Life of Riley; We Are the Champions; Tubthumping; and the great Swing Low Sweet Chariot, which, in this version by Ladysmith Black Mambazo and China White sounds really, quite, musical!
• 'Guilty Pleasures' songs eg Keggy's Head Over Heels In Love (I know, I know...)
• Songs pointlessly spoiled - Fog on the Tyne
• Songs that one ought to like but don't- Belfast Boy; Back Home; All the Way; How Does It Feel To Be) On Top of The World - for heaven's sake it's written by Jonny Marr and Ian McCulloch, and ought, therefore, to be good, but it isn't
• The just Great - Glory, Glory Man United; Come On You Reds; Three Lions
• and the leth thaid about Franco Corelli thinging Nethun Dorma, the better

But the very best of the lot - the quintessentially English 'Vindaloo' by Fat Les.

Woo, I think I have a Ph.D proposal here...

kd lang

What kd did next

My one-and-only female celebrity crush has a new album out on 27 September.

And I've got tickets to see her in concert in November.

Go me!

The Doors

I can never take the Doors entirely seriously due to a flippant comment from a friend, Andrew. We were in transit, and heard an announcement "Stan Clear, of The Doors." Andrew frowned and said he didn't remember Stan from the film.

The Doors are a must have for people of a certain age. I think I taped "The Best of..." from my brother-in-law. It might have been from my brother, who in his teens displayed some worrying tendencies towards music ten years too old for him.

There's not a bad song on the album; some of them are indeed very good.

But strangely not one of them moves me emotionally. Partly because this is Found Music from adulthood, not evocative Music osmosed from childhood. But, surely, great music should speak regardless of context? Which suggests therefore, that despite the iconic status of Jim Morrison and despite Fifty Quid Man viewing The Doors as Vital to The Collection, they are Second Rate. First Class Second Rate. But not immortal.

Fave tracks are: Break On Through; Alabama Song; LA Woman; Riders on the Storm.

Well, I say favourite but at least two of them go on for at least two minutes too long.

Dire Straits and Everly Brothers

Of course I have Brothers in Arms. Doesn't everybody in my age-group? Or, it seemed that everybody in my Hall of Residence at East Midlands Finishing School did. Except for Mad Lucy, of course.

Of course, I slightly missed the point. I bought it on Vinyl LP with 18th birthday money. Gosh, it was my first record bought as an adult... But it was supposed to be the big breakthrough for CD.

Dire Straits get a raw deal. They are seen as terminably naff. I just won't buy that. Just listen to this album, or some others of their singles with which I am familiar - Sultans of Swing, Romeo and Juliet, Twisting by the Pool.

I suppose they are regarded as naff because one has to apply brain to appreciate them - somewhat ironic, when you listen to the words of Money for Nothing - with Sting on backing vocals (oh yeah!). I adore Why Worry, and believe the title track to be an all-time rock classic.

Walk Right Back with The Everlys, in contrast, is just a nice collection of nice pleasant pop ditties. It would be difficult to read any deep meaning into the songs other than love lost and found, the eternal themes of pop music. And they don't require much brain power to understand and enjoy. Ephemera, but oxymoronically, lasting ephemera.

I think I like all of the tracks, especially Love is Strange.

But one track above all else stands out. Ebony eyes. When I first heard it, I regarded it as Sentimental Tosh. But just a few months later, it acquired a poignancy. His beautiful Ebony Eyes was flying out to marry him on Flight 1203, but the plane never arrived...

Then in December 1988 I had a dream about an aeroplane coming down in our back garden (in the flight path of Manchester Airport). the next evening, I was working a shift at the Cock Robin. A man came in, visibly shaken, and said that a plane had crashed in Scotland, over some, unknown town called Lockerbie.

That plane had a flight number of 103.

Perhaps it takes disasters to learn how many people you are vaguely connected with, and how small the world is. On that flight was a fellow student of mine, Flora Swire, who was friends with Medic friends of mine; there was also a former fellow student (from a small college) of my sister and brother-in-law.

My father's friend, the lovely John, was a keen potholer and very much part of the Pennine Pothole Rescue, so amongst many others was called in for the search-and-rescue. By all accounts (this was after my father died), John was never the same again, never the chirpy John, who would answer the phone "Wigan Wagon Wheelworks". A few years later, the firm was going through a round a redundancy and John committed suicide. It was generally acknowledged that whilst the redundancy acted as final straw, the real cause was the stress and trauma of search-and-recovery in such carnage.

Ebony Eyes makes me cry.

Electric

Two double CDs, both purchased in the past couple of years.

Electric "The Very Best of Electronic, New Wave and Synth", and Electric Dreams "80's Synth Pop Classics". Out of 70 tracks, only eight are repeated...

More Eighties pop tartism. Pity, then, that having pressed 'Random' the first track is Trio's Da Da Da. I hated it back then; I hate it today. Then I hear Gary Numan's Cars. Which, twenty-five years on still sounds as fresh as it did back then (First Year). My friend, and my sister's friend, were both obsessive Gary Numan fans. To my mind, he failed to ever emulate this song.

I also don't like Close (To the Edit) by The Art of Noise. In Sixth Form, this was one of those songs the trendy people were into. I didn't get it then. I don't get it now. Others not liked include Talk Talk Talk Talk, Einstein a Go-Go, Underpass

Other classy stuff include

• Visage's Fade to Grey
• Smalltown Boy by Bronski Beat, a truly extraordinary song. Musically, beautiful and haunting, yet with that 1984 disco beat (Hi NRG?). Lyrically moving, a story that made a very big impression on my consciousness, and, if all that isn't enough, Jimi Somerville's remarkable voice. I'm surpised it didn't make the Top Twenty Two that I defined on 21 December 1999. But it was definitely bubbling under...
• Under Your Thumb - Godley and Creme. This song, these artists, are rarely mentioned nowadays in my experience. But another hauntingly good ballad, painting a picture for the imagination
• Take on me - A-ha. Of course we didn't like them; we were in Sixth form, and they were a BoyBand for 2nd years. (Did we use the term Boyband back then). Of course, I now realise it's not a bad track, and A-ha had a modicum of talent...
• I Second That Emotion, and Ghosts - Japan - I just really like them...
• Wishing (If I Had A Photograph Of You) - Flock of Seagulls
• Together in ELectric dreams - Phil Oakey and Giorgio Moroder
• Model - Kraftwerk
• Party Fears Two - The Associates - classic song
• Absolute - Scritti Politti
• 19 - Paul Hardcastle: seminal and intelligent - I don't suppose this song would even get recorded now, let alone hit number one. And who can forget Rory Bremner's hilarious cricket spoof?

The best of the rest are on Artist Albums...

You know, these two, and the recently reviewed Eighties albums, could, IMO keep a party going all night. NOt a dinner party, an informal stand around and drink party.

Oasis

I have two of their albums. You can guess which two.

I bought (What's the Story) Morning Glory? because ... well, it would have been stupid not to. One of those 'must-have' albums...! An album that temporarily halted my nine-year disillusionment with pop music, precipitated by Chris de Burgh.

A truly all-time great album, even if only for a handful of tracks. But these are tracks that are guaranteed to set the room alight at any party, must-plays on your pub's jukebox. You know what I mean - those all-time great anthems for which Oasis have earned a permanent place in the Real Rock'n' Roll Hall of Fame: Don't Look Back In Anger is one of the greatest rock songs ever; Wonderwall is exceptional; and Champagne Supernova and Some Might Say are a long way from rubbish

Simple as that - everything else they have done is crap, but they deserve the title of Rock'n'Roll Great because of just a few tracks. No, just because of that drum solo in Don't Look Back In Anger...!

In contrast, Be Here Now was one of the greatest disappointments in the history of rock music. Expectations were so high and so dashed. People talked about it being too Beatles derivative. I say, if only...I suspect that I haven't played this disc more than a half a dozen times, and probably not for three or four years.

An oddling tape

My collection is odd. Sometimes, two records appear on the same home tape for no obvious reason, except timing of acquisition.

I don't recall when I bought Atlantic Soul Classics, and I can't picture the album, which is in the same room as my sleeping fiance. ButI'm pretty sure I have it on vinyl. And there was a logic to buying it. I suppose it's fair to say that most of the tracks are at least fairly good, but despite some rather good tunes, namely Sam and Dave's Soul Man, The Drifters' Under the Boardwalk, and Green Onions by Booker T and The MGs, this is really only worth playing for one track - Otis Redding's (Sittin' On the Dock of the Bay). The rest are wallpaper. Nice enough wallpaper, but nothing remarkable.

The other side is Del Amitri's Waking HOurs. I'm fairly certain that I taped it off my brother's version, although I can't really be sure. And couldn't really care. In the early Nineties there was a feekling that Del Amitri were at the bleeding edge of cynical social comment. I'm still sure they were, but this album doesn't really a do great deal for me now. Except for "Nothing Ever Happens"

The Jazz Singer

One of my lickle secrets is my admiration for Neil Diamond. Don't get too carried away, it's not an all-encompassing admiration; I've never seen him live, and am not too bothered whether I do or not.

There was a Labour Party party about three years ago when Dave admitted to being an Andy Williams fan. Slightly tiddly, I mentioned my Neil Diamond thing. Dave contended that Andy Williams was cool; Neil Diamond wasn't. I demurred.

Did you know that, inter alia, Neil Diamond wrote Red Red Wine and some song or other from a Quentin Tarantino film that my brother was well into in Sixth Form...until I pointed out that Neil Diamond wrote it. Ruined his whole Christmas Day... :-)

But Greatest Hits we get onto a lot later. I am specifically blogging the OST from The Jazz Singer. One of the first - no, the first, film I went to without parents. Saturday afternoon matinee, coupled with Kramer vs Kramer, probably eighteen months after release - they could do that in those days, because few people had videos. I went with Poison Kathy, just a few weeks before Sale Odeon closed down. And for Christmas I requested the album, along with a Barry Manilow album and a United scarf. Fortunately, stick-in-the-mud parents objected to two whole albums, and got me Neil Diamond and the United scarf. Wise decision.

Even as I listen to it on home tape, I can feel and smell the Vinyl. Second only to Shellac; yet with far more flexibility than Shellac. Even as recently as 1981, Vinyl was Sophistication. With its sensual ritual of removing plain paper envelope from artistic cardboard sleeve; removing twelve inches of glory from the white envelope. Blowing off the speckles; often using the cloth to wipe off the particles attracted by static. Placing it on the multi-changer, checking that the speed was right - oh what riotous times we had playing 33s at 45, or vice versa. You had trouble if you realised it was playing at 78 - that also meant you had the wrong stylus.

I happened to be 331/3 on the Eve of the 2001 General Election. As we partook, unenthusiastically, of the traditional pre-Election drink, as England beat Greece, to all but qualify for 2002 World Cup, I mentioned my 331/3 birthday. Many toasts were raised, and drunk in respect of significance.

Neil Diamond's Jazz Singer? Just a really cool album. Don't ask for intellectual comment - a fine selection of fine songs. And what more can you ask at 13 going on 14, or at 36 going on old?

Love on the Rocks; On the Robert E. Lee; summer Love; Hello Again; Hey Louise; and Jerusalem.

Like 'em, don't like 'em -I don't care. I like Neil Diamond.

The Eighties

My Decade for pop music! Eighties pop tart, me.

Two Double CDs.

Many of the featured tunes are separately featured on Artist Albums in the Gert Collection. Most of the rest are on tapes-off-the radio.

Alternative Eighties. Oh yes, practically orgasmic. Even the liner notes are amusingly designed, containing a picture of hand-written home cassettes.

I cannot be objective about this music. I don't know what people twenty years older or younger than me make of it. Do I care? I'm not sure I do - with respect! This is the music I grew up with. I started secondary school in September 1979 and graduated from Uni in July 1989. Many of these tunes probably don't stand scrutiny on their merits, but they are (nearly) all so very familiar, in my bloodstream, and so very evocative of times and places, people and passions. I started this entry by listing all the 'great' tracks, but then I realised that I was listing almost everything, so I thought it easier to link to album details, not something I am making a habit of on this All the Records by Forty project.

Looking through, I am surprised at how few of the artist albums I actually own. Imagine how massive my record collection would be if I had been a rich kid!

The Ultimate Eighties is far more mainstream, with nearly all the tracks featured on artist albums I own. If I say Queen, Bowie, U2, Pet Shop Boys. Frankie Goes to Hollywood, you�ll get my drift, and you'll have to wait until I reach that artist in my blogging - or look back through the archives.

Memorable tracks not on artist albums are Black's Wonderful Life, Paul Young's Love of the Common People, Dexys Midnight Runners' Come on Eileen, Soft Cell's Tainted Love and the Bluebells' Young at Heart. Closest this album gets to a turkey is INXS's Need You Tonight, which is no worse than 'boring'.

I can't believe that we were so privileged to have such a wide selection of really good music in the 80s. I do not believe that I love this album, and frequently play it, just because of memories. I really do believe that it is of a better quality than any previous or subsequent decade of pop-pop-pop music.

Gosh, I am such an Eighties Pop Tart...!

Deacon Blue

I've been neglecting my "Record Collection by Forty" project since I received a bumper order from Amazon.

But here goes!

Deacon Blue are one of the great underestimated groups of the late 80s/early 90s. I'm not suggesting they be acclaimed as great. Although, the benefit of hindsight suggest to me that Raintown was one of the most astonishingly good debut albums ever.

In second year at Uni, I went home for Easter holidays. There was a lot of turmoil and tension going on, so I spent most of the time I wasn't working ensconced in splendid isolation with pop radio. One oft-played track stood out - When Will You (Make My Telephone Ring)? I returned to Uni and discovered that my mate Mabel was equally mad on Deacon Blue, and, further more, had the entire album taped off her brother Si d. So we listened enraptured. I later bought my own copy of the album.

It works so well in its entirety as an album, but, in addition, all the songs are at least good, He Looks Like Spencer Tracy Now, Raintown and When Will You (Make My Telephone Ring)? are very good, and Dignity, would stand as excellent simply because of the lyrics. Add the music, and I sincerely believe it to be one of the great songs in the pop-rock cannon.

The other Deacon Blue vinyl (ie cassette) I have is When the World Knows Your Name. I don't believe this to be as strong as Raintown. But consider that it contains tracks such as Love and Regret and Fergus Sings the Blues.

I will blog my Deacon Blue on CD in due course...

Alphabetically, what comes next?

M People

I have a couple of their CDs, Bizarre Fruit and The Best Of...

A strange band. they were almost big at one time. Pleasant. One immortal track - Search for the Hero, which is pretty cool, and provides the backing for one of my favourite adverts, ever, for a car. You know the advert. I just can't remember the car...!

Should I have bought these CDs? Yes, because I wanted them at the time. Do I get a spontaneous urge to play them now? No.

Can I rave about their greatness or rage about their crapness? No.

Shrug

Guilty pleasures

Oh, the shame

A compilation of those songs that are actually really good, but suffer from an image deficit.

Pilot, definitely. You would be amazed at he number of Search Requests I get based on the lyrics to Magic "Oh oh oh it's magic, never believe it's not so..."

Looking at the track listing, I only know one other - Blue Velvet by Bobby Vinton - and that, surely, doesn't count because it charted in 1990 on the back of David Lynch's 1986 film.

A bit of thinking should surely come up with an alternative, UK-Bloggers Guilty Pleasures CD. I think I will nominate anything by Neil Diamond, but if I have to pick one, it would be Forever in Blue Jeans. Or To Be Or Not to Be by BA Robertson. Or Northern Lights by Renaissance.

I think Charlene's I've Never Been To Me has been resurrected as retro-chic, and thus, doesn't count.

We Are In Love

The breakthrough Harry Connick jr album.

If I recall correctly, this was a birthday present from Little Brother in 1990. An album that doesn't get played probably as much as it should. Some nice songs, and overall very pleasant, but nothing that hits me in the heartstrings. Although I do very much like A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square

I haven't a clue what genre to put Harry into - I suppose it's a bit Jazzy, crooning. I don't know what he's doing now. Perhaps I don't want to. In the mid Nineties I visited Matt, and one of his housemates, the lovely Mark, had been to a Harry Connick concert the night before. He said a lot of people walked out, because they were expecting croony jazzy style, and were quite aghast at the new direction.

When my friend Megan was at school (at Buddy Holly's old school, as it happens), she really fancied a guy, but he went off with some glamorously beautiful b*t*h. That glamorously beautiful b*t*h later became Mrs Harry Connick, jr. I don't know whether she still is.

Communards

Their eponymously titled album was the first thing I bought with my first student grant. they were also the first band I saw at a proper gig. And Don't Leave Me This Way was number one - and played frequently at discos - when I started at University, so for those reasons alone, I would be fond of this album.

I do believe that it ought to be listened to in semi-darkness. I don't know why, something about the mood, I think. Even before I play through it, I just know that it must be added to one of my favourite albums. But then I listen to individual tracks, almost all of which are special in their own right- DLMTW, Disenchanted, So Cold the Night

Greatly underrated - they just don't make pop albums like this anymore...

Their other album I possess, also dating from student days is Red. To be honest, it doesn't reach the hgh standards of their first, but is still worth having - not one turkey. I especially like T.M.T. ♥ T.B.M.G, For a Friend, and If I Could Tell You.

Jagged Little Pill

Alanis Morissette's album made sense to buy it at the time, soon after I moved into this house. But now it does nothing for me. But her voice does grate.

Even the most famous track is not about Irony, but basically "It sucks".

Smoke and Strong Whiskey

Christy Moore is right up there in the Pantheon of Heroes® And it's so exciting to be playing this the day before visiting the Ancestral Home in County Clare. But, I have to say, even somebody so god-like as Christy Moore should be thoroughly ashamed of Fairytale of New York. I'm sorry but if this was the only CM I had heard, I would rank him beneath Cliff Richard and Daniel O'Donnell.

One of my most enjoyable evenings ever was in Blarney, in a room above a pub, where a guy, whom Helen swore to be Christy's twin brother, was playing. It was so weird, because the audience was nearly half Irish, nearly half British (he said you can spot the Brits because they always ask for Black Velvet Band...!) and the rest were Scandinavian.

Yet the next day, the Blarney Woollen Mills were over run by Americans. I'm not being funny, but exactly were they doing in Blarney of an evening if they weren't at Christy Moore's twin brother in concert?

And before you ask, no we didn't kiss the Blarney Stone. Like we needed to! Besides, it was the year that small boys found it amusing to be pissing on it.

What I really like about Christy is that he gives the impression of being a whimsical Oirish folk singer-songwriter, but, actually, most of his songs are pretty apposite commentaries on current affairs and history.

Ladies and Gentlemen

The Best of George Michael

I know as soon as the first notes of the first track - A Moment with You, on random play - begins that this is undoubtedly one of my favourite albums.

George Michael, arguably the ultimate icon for Eighties Pop Tarts. Once upon a time, he was the singer in a trivial, if deeply pleasant, pop group. And, somehow he developed into a sophisticated and talented writer and singer of songs for grown ups. I never fancied him. And, like many of my friends I was utterly shocked and confused when he came out. We all assumed he had done so years before.

This album is forever associated with my 31st birthday. It was on my 'wish list', but I set off to Geneva to spend my birthday weekend with my friend Helen. On my actual birthday, it was snowing too heavily to ski, so we drove to Annecy in France. We drank cafe au lait and cheered on Ireland in the rugby - against France. Then we browsed record shops, and she bought this album. I so wanted to, but didn't dare, because I suspected it would be sitting on my doorstep when I got home (in actual fact I received record vouchers).

Driving back from Annecy to Geneva, it again began to snow heavily. Helen slowed to approx 60 kmh and pulled into the inside lane. She commented that it was possible to tell who had chains on their tyres, because they continued to speed along over 100 kmh - she merely had snow tyres. Then the car began to make a funny noise, which worried - panicked - Helen. "Don't worry," i said soothingly, "it's not like we're in the middle of nowhere."

"Gert," she said. "We are crossing the Alps. In the dark. In February. They are the highest mountains in Europe."

But what has this got to do with George Michael? I am tempted to list the very very good tracks, one by one, as they come on, but won't. I am absolutely certain that you have it in your collection. But I do especially like Different Corner, You Have Been Loved, Father Figure, The Strangest Thing (I could dance all night to this...) and Outside.

Careless Whisper stands out. To me, it marked George's transition from teenybopper to maturity, although, ironically, but perhaps tellingly, he wrote it whilst still at school. It reminds me of my summer holiday in 1984. Following O-Levels, there were no jobs to be had anywhere I (half-heartedly) looked, so I just lay in the garden working on my tan. Most of all, it reminds me of our family summer holiday near Brixham in Devon, which despite my occasional teenage moods, I actually really enjoyed and remember fondly, espeically for the company of my family.

Serious Shit - Live

The problem with playing my entire record collection before forty is the fact that honour dictates that I actually play every item. And playing includes listening - not just putting them on the stereo with the volume pianissimo and then sneaking upstairs to lie in the bath and 'sing' fortissimo.

You've guessed it - it's Phil Collins time. In my defence it is a Scotch tape, with the tracks listed in my brother-in-law's handwriting.

It's so frustrating because some of the songs are quite good, even very good eg One More Night, Separate Lives, even In the Air Tonight. But there is something about the singer that just grates. He should so have stayed as a drummer. And some of the songs are, to put it mildly, dire - Don't Lose My Number, Do You Remember? And the cover versions - Can't Hurry Love, Groovy Kind of Love - are poor imitations of better versions.

I ought to bin this tape. It will never be played again, except if I repeat this ridiculous stunt, but it just goes again my grain to bin any records, tapes, CDs until and unless they are broken, at which point they get replaced.

I worked with this guy, we'll call him Bob, because that was his name. He was such a weird guy. When Nicky, divorced with a child, announced her engagement, Bob said, "Nicky's very lucky to find a man, being that she has a child..." He used to bring his girlfriend along to the post-Christmas lunch drink - which nobody else did, not even people whose partners were colleagues, except for a quick drink on being collected. Everyone used to studiously avoid Catherine, and I ended up being lumbered with her.

One year stands out; she was awaiting the results of a mammogram, having found a lump. Now I'm not a heartless cow, I can't just stand there and say "I really don't give a toss," as she chooses me as a shoulder to cry on. Even though I was, unsurprisingly, inebriated, and just wanted to lark and josh around with the lads.

They always pontificated on how much they disagreed with marriage, and how they thought that having children was an act of irresponsibility. A few months after I left that workplace, I heard they had had a hurried marriage because he had accidentally got her up the duff.

One year he told us all, smugly, how he was taking Catherine to a Phil Collins concert as a surprise for Valentine's Day. He sat there expectantly, as we were supposed to say, "Oh Bob! That's so romantic! What an amazing guy you are." His face fell as we shifted uncomfortably with looks of disbelief verging on the repulsed

You know, this 'music' is really bad. And being 'live' there is soundtrack of people cheering.

The only consolation is that this isn't a video tape...

Ultimate Country Collection

This is the Double Album where C&W meets Mainstream. I bought it at a time when I realised my listening was dominated by so-called 'new country' - kd lang; Nanci Griffiths; Mary Chapin-Carpenter. A damn fine CD, even though it has never spurred me onto further exploration.

Most of the tracks are well-known, classics, maybe. As I listen, and lingalong, I realise that the genre for which my voice is best suited is Country and Western, which is very scary!

Notable tracks include Patsy Cline's I Fall to Pieces; Ring of Fire - Johnny Cash; He Stopped Loving Her Today - George Jones; Coal Miner's Daughter - Loretta Lynn; Lone Star State of Mind - Nanci Griffith; and El Paso - Marty Robbins;

But even though I can enjoy listening to the songs there are very few that elicit an emotional reaction, and even fewer that I would even consider for my Top Tunes. Except, perhaps, Stand By Your Man -Dolly Parton, Rhinestone Cowboy- Glen Campbell, Lucille by Kenny Rogers You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille Four hungry children and a crop in the fields. I've had some bad times lived through some sad times This time your hurting won't heal You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille

And then there is the all-time classic, Theme from the Dukes of Hazzard (Good Ol' Boys) by Waylon Jennings. Them Dooks them Dooks...

Leonard Cohen's I'm Your Man

A great singer-songwriter that features elsewhere in my collection, but not enough...

I bought this in my final year at Uni. I grew to love it intensely on interminable bus journeys between Dunkirk and Loughborough, where Paul was living. I was seeing Paul at the time. For many years I felt saddened that such pure music was a reminder of someone who wasn't worth it. He didn't like Leonard Cohen. I don't think Paul had a musical bone in his body.

Then I learnt that my memories were of the beauty of the English countryside - our relationship lasted from February to June, a time when the countryside changes beyond recognition.

Week after week I sat on the Barton's bus. There seemed so many different routes to Loughborough, it was like a magical mystery tour. I remember Sutton Bonnington (and Thrumpton and Gotham); Castle Donington and East Midlands Airport; and signs pointing to the unpronouncable Ashby de la Zouch.

The music even evokes the Barton's' buses. They were special, a throwback to an earlier age. Halfway between a coach and a bus, plenty of legroom and seat space, with an unforgettable and not unpleasant aroma. And vital in serving the outlying villages of Nottinghamshire, Leicestershire and Derbyshire.

And the music....

Running through the entire album is an ambience I struggle to describe: purity, light, crystal, a mountain spring. Perhaps its the keythat the songs are all in. Gosh, never considered that before. It's sunny and uplifting, but not jolly. Never accuse Leonard Cohen of jollity! If you took away themusic you would be left with astounding poetry.

This album goes into the list of my favourites. How can I single out a 'best track' from eight exceptional tracks? And I so wanted to be one of Leonard's Be-Bop girls!

I do not play this album often enough, even though I probably play it more than many others.
And the music is

Meatloaf

Bat Out of Hell II

You know even before you buy it that it's never going to approach the original Bat Out of Hell for greatness. Meatloaf definitely comes into that category of artists that I 'like quite a lot' but have never got into bigstyle. Apparently he's lost it - my manager went to see him just before Christmas and walked out it was so dire. And he had been really looking forward to it.

There's a very characteristic Meatloaf - strictly speaking Jim Steinman - style which appeals to me: the way each songs builds up to a climax and subsides. All of the songs on this album are good, but most are fairly forgettable. Except for I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That), which is one of the great Meatloaf tracks, as is Objects In the Rearview Mirror May Appear closer Than They Are. And the non-musical track, about when he murdered a Fender Stradocaster.

The Very Best of Meatloaf

One of those Double CD compilations it was mandatory to buy. Containing very many tracks that are, arguably, contenders for greatness. Or at least, classics. I started listing them, then thought, this is silly. there is not a track I dislike. Most of them I like very much, and taken together, are very very enjoyable.

Shamefully, Ihave to admit that my absolute favourite on the whole album is Home by Now/No Matter What. Shameful, because the music is by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Still, the lovely words are by Jim Steinman. My other favourite Meatloaf song is Dead Ringer for Love, but there's so many choose, it's difficult.

I remember when I was in third year at school, he was on Parkinson. The next day my middle-aged, Irish, devout Catholic English teacher was raving about him. I wondered to myself "Does she know that he sings about sex?" At the age of thirteen I'm not sure what was more shocking - the knowledge that a middle-aged devout Catholic teacher was into rock 'n' roll, or that she was into sex. At that age, teachers are like parents - you really don't want to think about it!

To conclude, I like Meatloaf 'quite a lot'.

Next up alphabetically, a colossal Double CD from, arguably, Britain's Greatest Singer Songwriter of the last twenty years. You will get this. I would wager you almost certainly have this in your collection. Anf if not, why not?

Raw Like Sushi Cocktail

Never got it, did you - Neneh Cherry. Okay, a bit obscure. But she wasn't in 1989. I quite like this album, but I suspect that if it wasn't in my collection, I wouldn't miss it. Only one notable track - Man Child

The other side of the tape is Cocktail - Various Artists, from an uterly forgettable film, which was inexplicably big in my final year as a student. It annoyed the barman in my local no end, because he had been flicking juice bottles about for years, but now everybody thought he was mimicing Tom Cruise. The best song on the album is Bobby McFerrin's Don't worry, Be Happy, and the best song in the film, Robert Palmer's Addicted To Love is omitted from the OST.

Alphabetically next up is one of the great singer-songwriters of our age.

The Best Punk Album in the World...Ever

The title says it all, really!

I slightly regret being just a bit too young to be a Punk. I know some of it was manufactured, but that aside, there is so much energy in Punk. I could never understand then, and I can't understand now, why old codgers say it lacks music. They obviously haven't listened properly.

Forty eight tracks. Obviously I won't write about all of them. However,

• Babylon's Burning -The Ruts: my brother used to love singing this. Indeed, I am sure that somewhere in a drawer at my mother's house is a tape, long forgotten, of Matt aged 4 singing Babylon's Burning. Long forgotten - but wouldn't his wife love to hear it. Blackmail is a nasty word...
• Denis - Blondie I never really classed Blondie as Punk, but I do like them. This charted at just the time I was getting into chart music, and it sounds as raw and fresh 26 (ouch) years on as it did when I was in Junior 3 (what they now call Yr 5).
• Anarchy In The UK - Sex Pistols. Pure incomparable class. I'm thinking of spreading a rumour that Bryn Terfel is set to record a version of this - the ultimate 'crossover', I think. Does anyone want to help spread the rumour?
• My Way - Sid Vicious About twenty five years ago there was a TV programme saying this was the most recorded song of all time. I can't pretend to have heard all versions, but, then and now, I believe this to be the best. Definitely on the shortlist for my funeral music!
• Sound of the Suburbs - The Members Surely the soundtrack to Punk. I had forgotten quite how much I like this!
• Ever Fallen In Love (With Someone You Shouldn't've) - The Buzzcocks - my favourite song by my favourite Punk band. When they performed this on TOTP, I was knocked sideways. Then the Fine Young Cannibals did a pointless and ruinous cover
• Into the Valley - Skids. Two words - Stuart Adamson (the late, great). Swoon! Great song! Also great on TOTP. Especially love the guitar!
• Milk and Alcohol - Dr. Feelgood. I think this was also covered by my brother aged 4. Pauline and I were such bad influences on him as a toddler. (She was more into Heavy Metal, which has never done it for me)
• 2468 Motorway - Tom Robinson. The first pop star I saw in concert - at the Karnival Party in the Portland Building Ballroom at University (look, I've been to very few pop concerts in my whole life...)
• Teenage Kicks - The Undertones - just class
• Deutscher Girls At this moment, I think this is the best Adam and the Ants song. I could change my mind tomorrow...
• We're Only Making Plans For Nigel - XTC. One of the most underrated bands of all time. Always reminds me of this lad on the bus called Nigel. At the time this was in the charts, one of my classmates was seriously after Nigel. And seriously into XTC.
• I am the Fly - Wire: I love the relentlessly grinding guitar. The nihilist lyrics epitomise the appeal of Punk.
• God Save the Queen - The Sex Pistols. Musically, this is really quite dreadful. But lyrically and conceptually, it's epoch-making. 123, all together now: "God Save the Queen, the fascist regime...no future no future no future for you."
• Stop Sobbing by The Pretenders and Is She Really Going Out With Him - Joe Jackson aren't really punk. But they're quite pleasant.
• I never realised at the time that Jilted John was a spoof Punk song - he's John Shuttleworth. I once got 100 lines for singing 'Gordon is a moron' deliberately within the hearing of a teacher whose first name was Gordon.
• It is rare that friendships have an 'our tune' but if it were possible, Magazine's Shot By Both Sides would have served that purpose...if it were not for the existence of Song From Under the Floorboard, which is a terrible omission from this compilation...

Not a turkey on the entire Double CD

Some Friendly Pills 'N' Thrills and Bellyaches

By the Charlatans and the Happy Mondays. All part of that Madchester Scene. I guess you had to be there. I wasn't. But my brother was, and it from his collection that I taped these. They're okay. I guess they were better at the time. I glad I didn't spend serious money on these moderately talented mediocrities.

I think there's somemore Happies somewhere in the collection, but what comes alphabetically after the Charlatans?

Tracey Chapman and Fairground Attraction and Jason Donovan

Off the tapes, hence the lack of proper alphabetical order...

The first tape contains Tracy Chapman's eponymous debut album, plus Fairground Attraction's First of A Million Kisses. The second is Tracy Chapman's Crossroads, b/w Jason Donovan's Ten Good Reasons.

The cassette case is written out in Grum's handwriting. We shared a house in the final year at Uni. I suppose these were taped off Grum, or maybe Helen, or one of Grum's friends.

Tracy Chapman seems to have faded entirely into oblivion, which is a real shame. Every song on the first album is really worthwhile. I suppose I just really like pop/rock that is heavily influenced by folk. My favourite songs include Fast Car - excellent words, and pleasant tune combining to make a very special ballad; and Baby Can I Hold You, but the entire album is full of good songs rather than three-singles-and-mediocre-space-fillers.

Put this on my list of favourite all time albums.

And as a bonus, after TC is finished there are two great tracks on the tape by possibly Latin Quarter, or someone who sounds like them, about Nicaragua and South Africa...

Because I liked TC's first album so much I bought her follow up Crossroads. This was when I was living in Westcliff on Sea; the date on the tape is 28.1.90, four months after I started *real* work, and was buying albums every week, and putting them onto cassette, partly for prudence, partly for the walkman.

Put simply, Crossroads is not as good as the first one, but is still pleasant to listen to. I especially like Bridges and All That You have Is Your Soul, which are haunting.

Fairground Attraction also hit it big and disappeared; and are also pop/rock influenced by folk. Pleasant songs include A Smile in a Whisper; Clare; and Allelujah. An album full of songs that are good, none great, and one that, somehow, manages to be less than the sum of its parts.

Jason Donovan's Ten Good Reasons. I have to admit that I am a bit of a Jase fan. Helen, Janet and I went to see him in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat in 1991. Helen and I liked it so much we went back in 1992. On both occasions we screamed like teenyboppers. Albeit with a sense of post-modern irony. As we left the second time, Helen said "And to think that some women never have an orgasm..." She said it loud when we were surrounded by old people and primary school kids...

I'm not going to sit here and try and convince anybody that Jason is great or whatever. But period of time when I (and much of the rest of the nation) was hooked on Neighbours, and into the mid-nineties, I was a fan. Largely for his looks, although I still think his voice is not unpleasant.

Five of the tracks on this record make up five of the thirteen on the Greatest Hits CD, which is a bit naughty, I think.

The sort of album that gets me bopping around to every track singing the words word perfect.

Oh heck, this is so annoying. Absolutely typical bloody Stock , Aitken, and Waterman. Mass produced crap songs with a catchy beat that anyone can dance to. Your better judgement says No, No, No, but something stupid inside you overrules your better judgement. Still, Sealed with a Kiss is pretty nice, and Especially For You, with Kylie, of course, is a sort of classic, in its own way...

Ok, who comes alphabetically after Tracy Chapman in the tapes. Clue, I taped it off my brother in 91 or 92 when he would have been 16 or 17.

Legend - Bob Marley

What a fabulous record to play on a gorgeous sunny day in Brixton Village! Mellow chilling, with just one ingredient missing. Still who needs weed when you've got coffee and nicotine?

I didn't especially like Bob Marley when I was young, and wondered what all the fuss was when he died. Time and maturity have enamoured him. This album is relatively new to my collection. I bought it in August 2000, when I was temping. I used to take my timesheet to the finance office of my agency, dangerously close to Tower Records at Piccadilly Circus.

14 tracks, most of them classics. I love the harmonies from The Wailers on Buffalo Soldier.

Favourite tracks include: No Woman No Cry; One Love/People Get Ready; and Redemption Song.

If you are feeling melancholy, play this: it soars the spirits...

Okay, what comes next alphabetically?

Ultimate Chick Flick Soundtrack

Really not an inspiring name for two double CDs. and, obviously, not fitting in with my image. Eighty or so tracks, inevitably some turkeys. But in my quest to play my entire record collection I am not allowed to skip the turkeys (I make an exception for Cliff Richard's Saviours Day and Mistletoe and Wine which lurk on some compilations somewhere in my collection) There are a few noteworthy or okayish tracks, but frankly, even despite these, or perhaps because of - pearls among swine - this is the sort of two-volume double CD compilation that removes the will to live.

What a winning concept. Chick. Flick. 'Movies' - or what I call fillums often have music to them. Let's categorise, let's make assumptions that no 'chick' can possibly like Shawshank Redemption or Indiana Jones. Let's put together a 2-volume double-CD compilation of these tunes from mainly forgettable films - the most mentally stimulating being Notting Hill and Sleepless in Seattle. The chicks are so thick they will buy it.

And this chick was so thick she bought it. Not once, but twice. I would like to pretend that it was in my reckless youth. But it wasn't. It was this century. When I was well into my thirties. More than Old Enough To Know Better. Thirty odd quid I wasted on these bags o' shite. Enough to get me a seat and a programme, and have some left over for a gin, at Covent Garden. I am going to blame my WankerTosserExManager for forcing me into ridiculous retail therapy at the woeful WH Smith at Victoria Station. After all, immature stupid people blame others rather than taking responsibility for their actions, and the sheer act of buying these CDs - Not once, but twice - shows that I am incurably stupid and immature.

A thousand curses on the Ultimate Chick Flick Soundtrack.

I have been writing this entry as I go along - work in progress - and this evening I wrote the following:

It may just be that this collection is saved by the second disc of Volume 2, which includes Waterloo - ABBA; You Sexy Thing - Hot Chocolate; The Shoop Shoop Song - Cher; Grease - Frankie Valli; and I'm Every Woman - Chaka Khan all of which are at least good songs (some verging on greatness), and ace for bopping round the room singing into my pretend microphone. Mind you, I have a good few on other albums.

But it also contains The Corrs. I saw them on the TV last week, and they were just awful. Bland and boring. And cushion-throwing-inspiring...And Jennifer Lopez, Destiny's Child, Britney Spears, and P.O.D.

Of course, the *beauty* of such compilations is that they also contain utter crud eg All the Love In the World - The Corrs; Madonna murdering American Pie; Let's Hear It for The Boy - Deniece Williams; Feelin' Love - Paula Cole (indeed, the second disc of the first volume is almost enough to make me think: yes, I know I promised that I would not fast-forward through any track, but is my honour more important than my mental health...); Lady Marmalade - Labelle; and Jimmy Durante's very bad version of As Time Goes By.

This is my truth tell me yours

All my recods by forty...

I bought this five or six years ago, when the Manic Street Preachers were the hottest thing in pop for grown-ups. Of course, they had been around for years, adored by all the slightly nerdy Indy guys I call (ed) my friends in the Nineties. We used to laugh about one of the guys from Uni. We met him through the Labour Club; he subsequently drifted to the Socialist Workers. He used to oscillate between the SWP and being a Born Again Christian (man in need of an emotional crutch?). He was from Tredegar in South Wales, and we used to call him the Manic Sreet Preacher.

This is a good album. Not a great album, but one with a number of good rock anthems. It's a while since I've played it, and I enjoyed listening to it, but there's nothing to really tip me into emotional outpouring about the music, and cerrainly nothing to inspire me to select this spontaneously. I expect I shall be in my Forties before I hear it again.

Best tracks: - If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next; Tsunami; and My Little Empire (mainly for the words, which was ace)

A few weeks ago I threw the word Tsunami into conversation. People divided between those who knew the word and those who didn't. Those who knew it did so because of this record.

Virtual Brownie Point for whoever names the next CD artist alphabetically...