Seriously pissed off. I mean. And I know I'm not being fair.
I'm totally fed up. With Jimmy. The last day off he had was when we went to Valencia. That was before Christmas. He's managing a pub for laughable wages. The pub manager thing is based on the premise that managers stay on the premises, and thus the flat provided free of charge counts as payment in kind (it's kind of like an MP's second home, but rather than getting everything paid for, I'm pretty sure it gets taxed). Well, that's all well and good if you ever do in life is manage pubs for a pittance wage, but there is no benefit in having a pokey flat provided for free if you already have a house.
But that's not really the point. When he took the job, we agreed he'd be home most nights. Maybe not Fridays and Saturdays. Maybe not in the depth of winter when travelling the short distance seems prohibitive because of the extreme cold and general miserableness. We keep saying that he'd take most Mondays off. Properly off, I mean. Not the way it happens now, that he finishes at about three on Sundays, and if he doesn't return that night, he still has to be up to open up at 12 on the Monday. I don't think there is actually any custom on most Monday lunchtimes.
I know I am being totally selfish, but I am sick of this half-life. I am sick that we don't have any time together, no time to go out - I sit at home on glorious spring days, thinking ahead to yet another summer wasted. I start to think I would be better off single. I wouldn't really; I couldn't imagine life without Jimmy. But I do think that I would be quite justified in having an affair. Although I can't be bothered.
I know that's the way pubs have always been run, but hasn't anyone noticed, 29 pubs are closing each week? There is a reason why the big chains are prospering and the small personally run pubs are closing. No one in their right mind would run a pub on those hours and those shit wages. The business model is predicated on the landlord and docile wife making sandwiches in the back while living in a pokey flat. That just isn't viable in the 21st century. So, with the exception of Jimmy, most 'local' pubs are run by people who are happy to live in the past, be exploited by the breweries or the 'holding companies', not noticing that the licensing trade has moved on.
Am I supposed to put my life on hold? I seem to have all the lonely disadvantages of being single without the compensatory autonomy and independence. I am sick of him saying he'll sort it, he'll arrange to have Mondays off. The next time he has a day off is when we go to Paris. And I know what will happen there. This trip is already proving expensive - Paris isn't a cheap city, and the exchange rate began to plummet just at the point I bought the tickets (but before they showed up on the credit card bill). The five nights in a hotel has cost more than a two week all-inclusive in Egypt. We have yet to pay for food and drink, let alone excursion.
The thing is, there is very little point in him working. If I went back to working fulltime and he didn't work, we'd be better off financially. The problem is, he can't not work, which I understand. But he's working three times the hours I'm working for half the take-home pay.
And my resentment is building up. But it's not like a classic premise for a row. How can I blame him? How can I pretend it's anything other than my selfishness?
