Over the years, regular readers will no doubt have become bored of various tales of how our garden becomes a no-go zone.
We have had near neighbours with paraffin-fuelled barbecues, other idiots with stinking pilchards on their barbecues.
We had the Tesco 'we will work 24-hours a day over the summer's hottest weekend because even though what we are doing is noisy and illegal by the time the authorities catch up with us, it's too late'.
We've the noisy Sloaney Cow with the grating tones who decided to build on our party wall, including at 8 am on a Bank Holiday Monday.
And now we have a completely different problem!
Squirrels have built a nest in our garden.
They're not really squirrels. They are, in fact, sparrows, but they are known as 'squirrels' following the hilarious 'Jimmy gets his words mixed up after consuming several pints of strong Polish beet' (this was when Jimmy...oh, you can guess the rest).
Mummy Squirrel (or Sparrow) is so bossy
I came home early and tired one evening last week to hear a dreadful racket in the garden. It sounded like the 'chuchuchu' leaks from 'thudthud music' played on buses through earphones. "What's that noise?" I asked wearily. Turns out it was the chattering of the baby sparrows. Jimmy moaned about Mummy Squirrel; she keeps nagging him. She flies out to go hunting (I wonder where Daddy Squirrel is, apparently he has been spotted occasionally, he's not always down the pub) and then if she comes back and sees squatters in her garden, rather than flying back to the nest, she stands on the flat-roof and gives a mouthful of abuse. "I'm not letting you lot know where my nest is. As if..." Little does she know that we know!
Last night we decided to eat al fresco. And that nagging bird is back. I had finished, so I lit a cigarette. She stood on the roof and had a right go at me. Jimmy says she's annoyed, I'm exposing her children to passive smoking. Running a guilt trip on me, can't even smoke in one's own garden.
I don't know when it's time for the Baby Sparrows to fly the nest, but until then we will be terrorised by the squatters in our garden.
