Jean worked as a care assistant in an nursing home for older people on her year out between school and medical school (that's what real people do on their 'gap year' not swanning round the world to discover themselves /rant).
Dolly was one of her carees, and, as well as dementia, also suffered from late-onset diabetes, which must be controlled by a strict diet. Jean was concerned that Dolly kept talking about the nice chocolate she was eating. Jean quizzed the other care assistants, and Dolly's occasional visitors. All vehemently denied smuggling in chocolate. Slowly, the horrific truth dawned on Jean...
Tom drives a lot for work, and one day on the open road, finding himself in need of a pee, did what all men do, parked up on a convenient verge and took a leak into the hedgerow. Unfortunately, the relief relaxed other muscles, and he found himself in need of more than a pee. He clambered over the hedge, figuring that a squat and dump should not be done on the public road. He squatted, but no dump.
As it poured incessantly out of him, he noticed a bull across the field eyeing him interestingly. But the tap, once turned on, could not be stopped. The bull approached - fortunately, his bowels were already liquid. He finally had the dilemma of how to clean up, with the bull ever-approaching, before vaulting back over the fence and onto the next client meeting.
Scuba divers generally wear wet suits as an insulation against the cold. (Dry suits are a whole other, irrelevant, matter ). Caroline was on a live-aboard Diving boat with experienced members of her Dive Club, and a novice. The novice asked "If you need to go to the loo, what do you do?" One of the old timers replied "Just go in your wet suit". No real difference from walking out from the beach to pee through your bikini.
Happily they dived, and one-by-one they clambered back on the boat, divesting themselves of their wet suits, towelling themselves down, swigging from a much-needed beverage, disappearing to the primitive but serviceable on-board toilet.
Novice emerged from the water, hoisted himself onto the boat and stripped off his wetsuit, to reveal his body, and the inside of his wet suit entirely coated with shit.
