We've walked past Joanna's on Westow Hill, Crystal Palace many times but have never gone; it's been open for years and gets good reviews. So what could possibly go wrong?
We arrived and did the usual 'table for two'. The front-of-house bloke asked whether we wanted a drink at the bar. In my experience, one is generally shown to the bar if you need to wait until a table becomes available or if it's the practice to present the menu and take orders before leading you to the table. Neither was the case here, so I just ended up sitting on a too-high bar stool drinking an aperitif I didn't particularly want in a howling draught. Eventually we had to tell Mr FoH we wanted to go to our table - like we had wanted to when we first arrived, and like everybody else was doing.
We ordered and that was fine. The order included 'some tap water', so the waitress brought us each a wine glass of water. It was fine, it was chilled, but I thought it was petty and grudging. Either you use a wine glass with a jug of water, or at least bring half pint tumblers.
We ordered wine as well, which was placed in an ice bucket beyond our reach. It's a long time since I've been in a restaurant that does this. It's very old-fashioned and it's rude to customers to forbid them from controlling the wine they've ordered and intend to pay for. I had taken about three sips from my glass when the FoH came over, poured some more wine in, without pausing long enough for me - cutlery in hand, food in mouth - to react.
I asked for the wine to be put in our reach (they were woefully understaffed and I sure wasn't going to sit around waiting to catch their eye when I did want my glass refilled). His response alone was enough to spoil the meal and make sure we will never return.
"I'll put it in a cooler on the table shall I? None of the staff will lay a finger on it again"
in the most sardonic withering tones of contempt. I thought he was an arrogant jumped up cock; Jimmy's view was that he was an arsehole.
The food was of startlingly poor quality. It was as if they'd tried but not quite understood what they were trying to achieve.
I ordered a Sweet Onion & Parmesan Tart with rocket & walnut dressing. The walnut dressing was a smear of tasteless sludge far away from the rocket. The rocket had some parmesan grated on it, looking like they'd use the bit of the grater most people would use for cheddar. The actual tart tasted rather nice despite the pastry being burnt. It seemed odd that it came in a triangular lump cut from a whole pie. Just looked very dated and amateur. Jimmy said his marinated ribs were very nice; again, they looked to have been dumped unceremoniously on the plate.
Unfortunately, there is nothing good to say about the mains. I had a crab linguine which tasted mostly of the cheap olive oil the linguine had been tossed in, and I had to abandon it. It looked completely unappetising, just a sludge thrown into a bowl and hope for the best. Home-cooking, I guess, but not in a good way.
Jimmy abandoned his seabass which was undercooked on one side and on the other side, burnt, and imbued with the residue of everything else that had been cooked on the griddle. That was just thrown down on a plate. Separately he was given two undercooked boiled potatoes, with skins still on - but they weren't new potatoes - and some boiled spinach, without any sauce or even a knob of butter.
From where I was sitting, I could see the pass, and most of what was coming out looked burnt and generally unappetising. The chips looked greasy, singed and lack-lustre.
We remained painfully polite, but when we asked for the bill and it was clear we weren't staying, it was thrown down on the table and we were glared at.
This was our first time out for two weeks and the night before Jimmy's first whole day off work in three. The place wasn't cheap - although not especially pricey, either. We were just astounded at how rubbish it was. But even if the food had been acceptable, we wouldn't return because of the rudeness of the front of house man.
