And I don't actually mean in respect of Manchester United Reserves' inability to take penalties. I mean, how hard can it be? Ball, goalposts/net, hit toward (hard, Mr Berbatov) and get it past the goalie. So, the dream is over. Only the Premiership and the European Champions League (stupid name when the important matches are knockouts - what's wrong with The European Cup?)
No, I refer to the things that make Gert Cottage liveable in. So far this year, I have already replaced my mp3 player and mobile phone, because they were both utterly kaput and defunct, and my laptop because it was as near as damn it.
Several weeks ago I announced on Twitter/Facebook that my grill smells of gas leak and doesn't heat up. The best advice I got was "Do not let Uncle Jimmy near it!" So instead I bought a toaster pro tem.
At about the same time I began to notice two things about the washing machine a) it deposits water on the floor and b) it gets stuck on an eternal rinse cycle. Each time I load it with clothes I go into denial - it will work okay this time, and each time it fails to do so. It still cleans the clothes if clean = caked in limescale deposits.
The sofa has become unbearable. By this I mean the three seater in the front room, not either of the two seaters in the front or back room. It has been tatty for a while, something that is cunningly disguised with throws and cushions. It is really uncomfortable, especially if one sits in the middle bit and uses a laptop on the coffee tables (Oh nos! Ergonomy Fail!).
We have been meaning to get a replacement for a couple of years now, but there is a complication above money, time and round tuit.
When this was originally delivered, back in 1995, it was brought into the house via the front window, the traditional method of introducing large furniture item. I didn't know the delivery person at the time, but got to know him several years later (for those with local knowledge he's the one who leaves his blue vans and lorries parked randomly around the Brixton and Streatham Hill areas, once he's spray painted them - and the road - blue). He did something to the window frame that means it is broken and cannot be taken out again.
So, although I want a three-seater sofa, we fear that we may never get it into the house. Of course, all it actually takes is to measure up various door openings and angles and present a diagram to a reputable shop, and take it from there.
When we do get round tuit we're probably going to go to somewhere ultra safe and somewhat expensive, such as John Lewis Partnership. One hears so much of these dodgy pile 'em high sell 'em cheap places that go bankrupt, leaving people with their deposists un-returned, or sell them furniture which isn't fire retardant.
The latest one is the central heating system. I got the boiler replaced about ten years ago and was given the option of retaining the airing cupboard or getting instant hot water. I opted for the airing cupboard. What has recently started happening is that when the water comes 'on' even though the control for heating is 'off' the heating still comes on and blasts out, hot. Even though the thermostat is at about 16 degrees, the radiators are blasting out hot, and the thermostat is registering the temperature to be about 23 degrees. So that needs sorting. I have an engineer coming in the afternoon. Hopefully, it's just something really minor, like a short-circuit in the on/off box or something. But a year or so back, thinking of doing my bathroom, I asked a service engineer how long the boiler had left. He estimated a couple of years, and suggested that I got a new boiler installed in the loft in due course; in any case he advised me not to get the bathroom done before replacing the boiler.
Don't misunderstand me, I'm not complaining. None of these things are expiring before their time (well, maybe the washing machine but apparently having had it at least five years I shouldn't expect much more out of it). I can cover the expenses with savings, so am not reliant on consumer credit, and buying them isn't going to throw me into poverty.
I am beginning to worry that at some time the nest egg will disappear with no obvious way to replace it. Interest rates will rise, and eventually I might have to go back to working full time. The trouble is, when you downshift in a progressive tax system, you don't really miss the money too much, but you know that if you then upshift the relatively minor increase in money doesn't compensate for the loss of time.
