I'm thinking of writing a book on Etiquette.
That's crap, by the way. The 'thinking' bit . And the 'writing' bit. Lack of stickability, you see. Not to mention that I know hardly any publishers. And it's probably been done before.
Proper etiquette, I mean. Not rubbish about which knife to eat with*, or how to address the ex-civil-union-partner of the daughter of a retired Rear Admiral.
It started in the pub on Monday. Conversation moved onto Funeral Directors. Jimmy said you should always tip the undertakers, the gravedigggers etc. I'm not arguing with him, but I'm not entirely convinced. Anyway, how on earth is one supposed to find out that you should tip undertakers? Hence the need for my Etiquette book.
Dealing with Tradespeople will definitely be one section. Actually, tipping is at least a chapter in itself.
And then there's way of behaving in a work context. Take this afternoon for example. I went to the lift lobby and called the lift "Lift!" I called. "Lift!" I called. That was no good, so I tried "When I'm calling you-oo-oo-oo oo-oo-oo," and it replied, "I will answer too-oo-oo-oo oo-oo-oo". No, that's a lie, too. I pressed the down button.
A lift (one of six possible) arrived; I was far from it, and two chaps walked briskly along the corridor and into the lift. Fair enough, thus far. Then one pressed the '0' button before I had even had a chance to walk into the lift. He made no attempt to press the door open button, despite empirical evidence that lift doors often close once the lift knows to which floor to go.
These two chaps stood there discussing something that seemed to be a Personnel matter. Or, rather, one did. The more junior made non-specific comments such as "It's a relief...it's not about people...it's not about the hours, as such." Clearly awkward, an awkwardness I felt. The more senior was looking at me as if to say "Excuse me, we're discussing a sensitive personnel issue here. What are you doing in our meeting?"
There will definitely be a chapter on lift behaviour.
It will be a bloody good book, tackling issues of etiquette that are relevant to the everyday life of everyday people.
There has to be a whole section entitled "Your conduct affects others - stop and think - it rebounds onto you" that would cover all those little areas which are not wrong, as such, and somebody could easily put a cogent argument counter to mine.
But, Rose, (wife? of Patrick, friend of Sophie's Mum - Tam?) who sat in front at me the RFH last night. I think you were probably from Hampstead. Don't know why I think that. Rose, if you happen to be reading this, which, I have to admit, I doubt: a bit less perfume next time, that's a dear. Or, if you do insist on bathing in it, less jigging around would send less wafting up my throat, causing me to cough. You can see where we're heading on this one, can't you Rose dear?
Update I was damned sure I'd published this before I left work. Obviously not. And now I feel I should change the time stamp...
