Before I launch further, I do want to remark that I am a frequent liar and am often guilty of hypocrisy. I also recognise that the most sane way to negotiate life is via a series of compromises, and it's a judgement call whether a compromise is personally acceptable or a step too far. I suspect a good number of good people have a bottom line "Does it hurt anybody?"
Speaking to my mother on the phone yesterday she mentioned that a former school friend of mine had remarried. I asked the question - in a church? The answer was yes. Despite getting a divorce she was able to remarry in a Catholic church because she got an annulment from the Catholic Church.
My mother went on to say that perhaps Jimmy could similarly get an annulment. This subject has been raised time and again and it is something I - and he - oppose on so many different levels.
Under English Law, an annulment is generally granted if it can be demonstrated that the marriage never really existed in the first place - generally if one or more party was under the age of majority, or if the woman was pregnant by someone else, or if it was unconsummed. The marriage is dissolved if it existed, but has come to an end - 'irretrievable breakdown of marriage'.
The law, and all reasonable people, recognise that a marriage can exist and then end. Jimmy was married for over twenty years. They did many things together - three sons, a house, financial interdependency, hallmarks of a 'normal' marriage. Then they grew apart, separated and, eventually divorced.
My mother wants us to get married in a Catholic Church. This is despite the fact that I have made it clear, consistently, from at least my mid-teens that I do not accept the teachings, or regard myself as part, of the Catholic Church. This is despite the fact that I have made it clear in the last couple of years that even if it were possible, I would not wish to marry in the Catholic Church.
My mother has consistently failed to listen to me since my mid teens, she has consistently failed to listen to me in the past couple of years. She has failed to grasp that it is an insult to Jimmy for her to expect him to annul a marriage that truly existed. It is clear that she has absolutely no regard whatsoever for my beliefs and feelings, and is concerned only with what looks right in her Church.
My former schoolfriend (or her mother...) wished to remarry in her church. I can only guess at her reasons. Perhaps it was for show. Perhaps it was for a deeper belief that a marriage is only valid if before her god, or perhaps believing that such a blessing will help in sustaining the marriage. Congratulations A. and all the very best for the future. Incidentally, knowing the circumstances in which she married the first time and the circumstances in which it broke down I am inclined to think it was also on the grey area of existence, anyway.
But it is not about any individual and their personal choices, but about the systematic hypocrisy of the Catholic Church. Vocal in their condemnation of divorce and of the divorced, it has a convenient arrangement whereby people can trim and, well, lie, in order to pretend that a marriage didn't exist.
Rather than accepting the mature, adult truth that marriages run their course and allowing people the chance to move on, they deny that adult choice. It is entirely consistent with their entire teachings on sexuality. I say 'sexuality' but I actually mean 'life'. Whether it be marriage, contraception, homosexuality, clerical 'celibacy', paedophilia, or the status of women, their views cause misery and isolation for the poor and disempowered, and are blatantly ignored or corrupted by the rich and articulate.
Perhaps I am a simple soul, but I think that if one makes wedding vows they should be treated seriously. I realise that I am odd in expecting women not to wear white and a veil, the symbols of virginity, when they are not a virgin. But I also accept that it is a social custom to marry in white, and that most women who consider the point feel that virginity is vastly overrated by crippled personalities, and, therefore, make no big deal of it.
I cannot understand how a divorced person can remarry in a Church that condemns divorce, yet expect the public to believe that they take those vows and that commitment seriously. Whatever way I look at it, the Catholic Church is openly encouraging deceit. The reality of all our lives is a series of lies, but the Catholic Church teaches that to be a sin.
The utmost irony is that in order to be married in a Catholic Church it is necessary to receive 'instruction' from a man who has taken - and may have kept - a vow of celibacy, and believes by his vocation that women are inferior to men. The final straw for me would be the indignity of submitting to such a humiliation. Goodbye self esteem.
