From time to time I peruse the fronts of magazines in newsagents. Such as today. I justified my browsing by purchasing next week's Radio Times and a bar of Green & Black's Dark 70% (20g).
On the front of Woman magazine is a headline "Pregnant at 12 by an internet lover." You have no idea how furious this has made me. I know for an absolute fact that it is impossible to get pregnant by surfing the internet. I know for absolute certainty that to get pregnant requires sex, or, at least, the introduction of bodily fluid into bodily cavity, which is impossible to do via a set of fibre-optic cables and a pair of PCs. I have a hunch that the twelve-year-old got pregnant by having sex in the flesh, off line, with a male person.
Then I surf the Sun, and find out that Jordan is claiming to have had an affair with David Beckham. I think this is unlikely. But I wouldn't rule it out. I think the onus will be on Jordan to prove this to be true; obviously, David can't prove the negative. However, I am slightly bemused by the Sun's use of "The model's outrageous lie" and "Show bosses heard every lying word". Even in the context of
England skipper Becks, 28, has vehemently DENIED any affair with Jordan and promised to sue if she repeats the claims in her book.
If I was the Sun I would have been a bit less dogmatic in assuming it's a lie.
But then, I really don't understand the likes of Jordan. Or Victoria Beckham. Or Jennifer Aniston.
A long time ago my friend and I agreed that there was something distasteful about discussing our sex lives even with each other. Sure, we usually established early on that I/she had slept with 'him', whoever he may be. Sometimes it is necessary to mention sex as an adjunct to the story - you know, the "and it was so embarrassing because we were having sex at the time" eg when my bed collapsed. Or just as a bit of conversation. "Ooh, we didn't get any sleep last night!"
But there is a point beyond which it is really distasteful to go. I would say that, if you are a celebrity, telling details to national newspapers is way too far. I think it takes away the intimacy of what should be private. Not because I'm a prude, but because, surely, that's part of the fun of having something private and personal just between the two of you. And if you're in the public eye, I would expect you to value your privacy even higher than us mortals.
I have a feeling that people who feel the need to tell the world about what wonderful sex they're having, or how many people they're having it with are suffering from issues in their background or upbringing. I probably had some of those issues myself. In the time before I lost my virginity, and at another time when I went through an extended desert, I did get a bit paranoid and almost obsessive.
But I realised at some point that most people have sex, at least sometimes, or at least at some stage in their life. In many ways there's nothing special about it all. Although in many other ways it can be very special. A bit like food, really.
Maybe there's a flaw in my argument. Maybe I'm writing out of my bottom. But the whole Jordan thing leaves me with a bad taste.
