Contains personal information
A good few years ago, a then fellow councillor and complete arsehole, Andy, informed me, apropos of nothing, that I couldn't possibly know my body, whereas he, as a gay man of 35, was forced to be familiar with his body. I did try, patiently to explain that twenty six year old women actually do know quite a lot about their bodies. I did not convince him.
However, although I will never achieve gay male status I have turned 35. Disappointingly, acquisition of that esteemed age has not given me any new insights into my body.
It seems an all too familiar routine. You know your menstrual cycle. You learn to notice those tell tale signs. Increase in irritability and sluggishness. A few more spots. A searing pain across the midriff.
And the final certain sign.
When it doesn't happen, your feelings are mixed. When you're young, you explain it away - oh, it's exam stress, or moving house, or going on holiday. Or that cold I've just got over. You remember the silly tales you learnt at the bottom of the fields, near the railway lines, at St Hugh's Primary...hot baths and gin. And then your period comes and you're relieved. But a part of you wonders, "What if..."
As you get older, you still note the absence of the tell-tale signs. Why did I crumple into tears last Sunday - something about life is so unfair. Was it hormones? What were they doing?
Why did I have heartburn all last week, getting through Rennies like they were particularly moreish sweeties? Why can't I even have a cup of coffee without getting heartburn? Or burpiness? Why did I drink cup after cup of water on Thursday afternoon spurning the thought of tea?
Why was I fast asleep on the sofa at half four yesterday, despite getting up at half ten after a good night's sleep? Why have I been so tired today? Why do my breasts ache.
Lying in the bath. my stomach rumbles - is that my food digesting or my endometrium detaching? what's that working its down? Oh, it's a fart.
What's that moisture between my legs? Is it blood? No it's trapped bath water.
Why don't I just bloody well find out?
And if you know me in Real Life, I will draw your attention to this disclaimer
