Well, it got your attention, didn't it. It certainly got mine. That, I'm afraid, definitely has to go in the minus column.
But at least it reminded me that my irregular round-up of search requests is long overdue. In chronological order: with the usual warning that this is not suitable for Primary School age children. Or secondary school children. Or adults, for that matter...
- caught him in my ballet shoes - he'd stretch them...oh, god what was he doing in her ballet shoes...?
- KD Lang lookalike lampard - good spot, Searcher!
- i have got habits which are driving me mad - they're driving me mad, too, stop coming here with your weird search requests
- By what means does carbon dioxide give a pleasant tingle on the tongue?
- disciplinary because i shut the casino 30 minutes early - you bet it's a disciplinary
- lyrics to kyrie liason - I think you'll find it's spelt 'l-i-a-i-s-o-n
- crushes on minor celebrities therapy - for what affliction is it suitable therapy to have crushes on minor celebrities? Take my advice, only have crushes on major celebrities
- cottageing - nothing intrinsically strange about this except the searcher used tesco.co.uk's search engine, which is a bit like reading The Daily Mail Guide to Cottaging, Dogging and Roasting
- Berlusconi naked photo on the beach - yuck, move swiftly on
- jason gardener posh - this appeared about two hours after I saw Jason Gardener interviewed on the telly and thought 'Crikey, he's posh...'
- lampard penis sex - Hold The Front Page! Frank Lampard has sex using his penis
- good-looking "edward heath" - move swiftly on
- literates behaving as illiterates
- kevin keegan cottaging - these rumours are persistent, but I have difficulty believing them
- STORIES NON CONSENSUAL CRUCIFICTION - more evidence, if it were needed, that the sickest of perverts always use CAPS LOCK
- balamory porn - the ultimate spin-off
- "tights" wearing hobby interest - oh, yet another search for Cristiano Ronaldo. Me, I have no interest in wearing tights, even as a hobby. Stockings, with suspender belt, yes, but tights, no, no, no
- Why is my suitcase always last on the conveyor belt - because you're always the first to check in?
- has anyone ever really met jeremy sumpter - no, he lives in a hermetically sealed cocoon of a desert island, a media creation, and whenever he's in a film it's merely a hologram
- St elijah+lyrics+mandelson - this is so wrong in so many ways
- alan titchmarsh porn - it could have been worse, it could have been Rolf Harris porn
- CHRISTIAN GAY MALE ESCORTS LONDON - you don't know how much this shocks me to my core, and I'm not sure what's worse, a christian wanting a gay escort, or a christianbeing a gay escort. AND PERVERTS' CAPITALS shudders
- celebrities vomiting naked - words. actually. fail. me
But my favourite has to be clothes worn by jodie marsh, which came as such a shock I had to check out the other pages indexed by Google, and, right below me was a site advertising clothes worn for church and mosque. Has the world gone quite mad...?
