Parental warning: Not suitable for young people of Primary School age...
Looking through my referral stats is informative. The vast majority will find relevant information - useful, informative, is, of course another matter.
Some just illustrate the difficulty of defining precisely one's search terms.
And there are themes - I only found out about Charlotte Church topless, and Paula Ratcliffe peeing (??) and Will Young dating Matt Taylor of Portsmouth FC from my site referrals.
But some are just funny or inexplicable...
- "any knickers" -scotsman -telepathically
- photos of emails having sex in unusual places
- quizzes on if u have syphilis
- val doonican wallpaper - I have a theory that the attics of Middle England are full of shrines to Val Doonican
- firing squad wife comma - I've heard of grammar nazis, but this is going too far
- who in america histiry said it shooting a president?
- michael owen blood type - I understand that when one has a celebrity crush it's nice to know as much as possible,, but blood type...?
- anna netrebko shoe size -or shoe size...?
- african man rolling penis around a sti ck
- is diane abbott and michael portillo having an affair? - if so, you read it here first...
- transexual coffee tea or me
- Placido Domingo way of singing - all wrong, reportedly, something to do with the tongue...
- boy racer insurance
- complain about michael winners rubbish adverts - damn fine idea
- switching kids at Disneyland - but you'll end up with someone else's snivelling brat
- christian advice penis size - good christians have small penises. Fact
- unusual erotic balamory - that's what we need - a spin-off series charting the swinging and dogging that takes place in a small island community where they have to make their own entertainment
- roy hattersley lover - I can see the tabloid bidding war now for kiss-and-tell
- "chalet school" fuck - I don't recall any sexually explicit sex in the Chalet School but I only read about half of them, and they bred like rabbits so there must have been a fair amount of fucking going on. There was probably rampant lesbianism, too, but that never got mentioned
- jonny wilkinson teddy bear - he does look a bit like one, doesn't he
- combining store fireworks into bombs
- "isle of man" fetish - strange place. Someone I audited, her boyfriend got arrested for cottageing, she protested that wasn't fair, he was only watching...
- alfred noyes highwaymen w/ pics - surely, more than almost any other poem, the words paint a picture
- underground sexual cults around southport - here's me thinking it's all teashops and antique shops, and a beach, and no sea...
- big cook porn - my partner owns a cafe and is quite tall...
- picture me topless on M25
Then there are the searches wanting all manner of celebrities nude, topless, naked, etc. We don't have nude pictures here on madmusings - but I wouldn't mind seeing some of these nude. Others, yuck...
- anna ryder-richardson
- karita mattila
- anna netrebko
- wayne rooney
- michael owen
- jonny wilkinson
- nicole kidman
- ivonne armand
- julia roberts
- abby titmus
- naomi campbell
- gary neville
- lawrence dallaglio
- lesley garret
- Frank Lampard
- tim henman
- simon keenlyside
- James cracknell
- catrin finch
- cristiano ronaldo
- jonas kaufmann
- juan diego florez
- Ronnie O'Sullivan
- paula radcliffe
- tony blair
- lorraine kelly
I joke, but almost none of those people feature in the celebrity magazines and tabloids as Objects of Desire. But my site stats say they are...
Then there is the need to find out whether various celebs are gay. I wonder why. I think it's good that people are out, and comfortable being out, but I suspect that a lot of the searches are by people who regard 'gay' as a term of abuse.
- steve coppell gay
- ljunberg gay
- marc overmars is gay
- beckham gay
- is cristiano ronaldo gay?
- will young gay footballer - no, gay singer
- wayne rooney gay icon - I'm sorry, but what exactly is the sexual attraction of Wayne Rooney, either to gay men or straight women. Super talented footballer, of course, but really ugly and even stupider. And I am yet to find evidence of any personality, let alone a likeable one
- David Miliband gay icon
There have been repeated requests for both Tony Blair and Frank Lampard "hairy chest". Frank I don't know about, but Tony Blair, yes, definitely. And big, er, you know, as well. Two good reasons to Vote Labour. Basically, that's what googlers want, big dicks and hairy chests.
I have also noticed an obsessive need for 'classification' and 'genre'. I made a note of a few but it just got boring and surreal, simulataneously.
- shit classification
- Vaughan Williams classification
- chicken pox classification
- classification praise christian songs
- classification friends
- classification of chateauneuf du pape
- phantom of the opera music classification
- prostate massage genre
- tabloid newspapers as a genre
- mozart opus genre requiem
Oh, and I posed a question a few days ago - which celebrity seems to have the most search requests consistently? Not someone who has sudden peaks, but someone who for two years has featured just about every day in the referral stats.
Not one of you got it but it was Dan Cruickshank. Who is very much an idol in Gert Cottage, but because we love his TV programmes.
