The other week I was surfing teh intertubes and, for some reason, I got diverted into following links about sex addiction. After a while, I came to the startling conclusion that I am, in fact, a sex addict. This came as some surprise to me because I previously imagined that sex addiction, like other addictions, involves an excessive consumption of such product - an alcoholic drinks too much alcohol, a drug addict takes drugs etc.
I read on further and learned that addiction isn't necessarily measured by the amount that one consumes but about the control it has over one's life. I also learned that sex addiction, in common with over-eating addiction (and presumably other compulsive behaviours such as shopping and cleaning) in that it is necessary to find a suitable level, whereas it is possible to live without any alcohol, drugs etc.
What made me conclude that I am a sex addict is not that I am out screwing anything that moves, because I'm not. In fact, I do not think that I am revealing anything particularly personal by observing that I have been in a monogamous relationship for seven years.
What makes me a sex addict, apparently, is that I can tick the box for a number of questions. One of those is whether I think about more sex more frequently than actually doing it? Do I get aroused by pornography (bearing in mind that pornography doesn't just include pictures but also words - hmm, does it also include music?). Do my fantasies extend beyond the reality of my life. Well,yes...Oh, they mean specifically sexual fantasies? I'm not sure that one fantasising about fictional situations involving sex is radically different from one fantasising about fictional situations not involving sex, like, right now, I am fantasising I am lying on a yacht in sunny warm climes with a steady supply of low-alcohol cocktails.
I have to say that having read quite a lot of stuff available on the internet, I am unconvinced of the existence of such a thing as 'sex addiction'. At worst it is a way of saying "I am not responsible for my behaviour cos it's an addiction" or a way of saying "I behave in a way that is at odds with the dominant ethos of my community." I think in general most people behave in ways that they know is not their ideal. I did read one paper by a clinical psychologist who used case studies of actual sex addicted patients. This psychologist made the point that 'sex addiction' is often seen alongside other behaviours such as drug addiction, and that the drug addiction cannot be cured unless the sex addiction is. Or that many people who are diagnosed as sex addicts have a history of being abused. She cited a woman who during her residential treatment discovered that she was pregnant for the third time by someone other than her husband to whom she had been married also for her other adulterous pregnancies. I don't need it spelling out to me that that is a massive problem, but other stuff on the internet suggests that it's fairly common amongst women who just have a fling from a stale or disintegrating marriage (not that I'm condoning, but that appears to be factual).
I suppose what struck me most was the connection with religion. A great number of the solutions appeared to be based in religion. I know that many of the mainstream religious organisations do a great deal of excellent work in the field of substance abuse and other connected problems and I also know that quite a lot of the whacky ones are pretty good at getting people to relinquish their alcohol/sex etc crutch. But I do feel that they are simply replacing one crutch with another. And yes, we all need crutches, and they are only problematic when we rely on them too much to the detriment of other aspects of our lives.
What shocked me most was the subjective nature of a sex addiction diagnosis. I read one case study of a man who was diagnosed because as a teenager he thought about sex a lot, once got aroused when he saw his teenage cousin naked. At 20 he gave up Christianity and started masturbating, sometimes as much as twice a day. Then he got a girlfriend and wanted to have sex with her on a daily basis. He also used pornographic magazines (unspecified but I inferred we are talking Playboy or Penthouse rather than Illegal Hardcore). He got married and wanted sex with his wife. But then he got god again and no longer thinks about sex as much. I couldn't help thinking that he was at his most 'normal' and 'healthy' during his period of so-called sex addiction.
I'm not trying to trivialise the problems that people find in overcoming compulsive behaviour, and I would be naive to suggest that the solution is to do it a bit less. But I just think that the convenient labelling of unacceptable behaviour is just that - a labelling. If one feels that one's behaviour is out of step with the norm, it may be worth examining whether the norm is actually desirable. But it seems that certain behaviour - such as so-called sex addiction - is an attempt to mask other problems such as low self-esteem. I'm not sure that the best solution for deep-seated problems is curing the symptoms. And sometimes, people behave in a way that is almost deliberate in its capacity to hurt others. In fact, we all do up to a point. I am writing this on the computer while listening to music. That is time I could be spending being nice to my partner.
Oh heck, maybe I'm an internet addict, maybe it's a displacement activity for the rampant prolific varied sex that would scare me stupid if I had the opportunity to pursue.
